Everyone has some “should” mindset in their minds, “should” for others, “should” for the world, and “should” for themselves. Most of these “should” exist in the form of ideas, automatically appear, and gone, and sometimes too fast even we are not aware of it.
For example, some people think that “women shouldn’t drink”, “children shouldn’t be disobedient”, “I shouldn’t be undisciplined” … If the inquiry goes on, it may not even be clear to us why there are these “should”, but no one is allowed to violate these rules.
Should mindset is a rule and assumption in our own world, is a rigid type of thinking, the more “should” in our mind, the more boxes we have, the smaller our world is. These “should” make it impossible for us to allow and accept new things because they are out of our “comfort zone”, we will feel out of control, will feel “unbearable”.
The “should” mindset of others and the world will be expressed in the form of control and criticism, requiring others and the world to follow our own rules, otherwise, we will get angry, criticism, alienation, and unloving as a means of punishing others.
On our own “should mindset” in the form of self-discipline, introspection, once we violate the rules, we will blame ourselves, accompanied by depression.
The “should mindset” for others and the world will let people around feel controlled and restrained, such as parents “should mindset“ towards their children, like in a small tree inside a cage, the more “should mindset” we have, the smaller the cage, the growth space of this tree is much more restricted, the small tree not only can not grow freely and also produce a lot of deformed leaves.
Is it the fear in the parents’ hearts that make it difficult for them to give their children more freedom? But if we think about it, is Newton a clean-shaven person? Must Obama be a man of discipline? Must those who succeed, live happily, and valuable, be cultivated according to our rules? Maybe our rules are nothing but a constraint, nothing to help children except obstruction.
The “should mindset” between lovers will also make each other unhappy. Imagine, if we are always bound by the rules of other people’s world, regulate, how can there be real happiness? Whether the rule is “no smoking”, “no drinking alcohol” or no other things, in fact, it is the same. Can not be ourselves, can not do what we want to do, can not do what makes us happy, is deprived of “free will”. Whether it is the meaning of life or the meaning of happiness, free will is the most important component of the sense of meaning. If the two people who love each other can be like two birds, can fly freely and also can quietly kiss each other in the branches, isn’t this the best state of love?
Whether it is children or lovers, we do not have to stay together in our own “should mindset” to be happy, the outside world is so big, so wonderful, there are so many beautiful things in life, there are so many things that can make people happy, why don’t we try to open up, try to accept it?
Just like putting “should mindset” on others, “should mindset” on yourself will also restraint and affect yourself.
Maybe we’ll say, is having high expectations for ourselves wrong? Am I wrong thinking about “I should try”? Of course, there is nothing wrong with it, but we need to know that there are still many people in this world, even if they do not force themselves to work hard, they also live very well and very happy. The important thing is that there is no element of acceptance and joy behind this, if “I should work hard” behind the state of my own efforts, and after the effort is to enjoy, then this effort is worth it, our lives will be stronger. But if behind “I should work hard” is I have to work hard, this will be followed by fatigue, burnout, depression, powerlessness, then this “should” is the time bomb in our lives, one day you will mentally be exhausted because of this “should work hard” thinking, and lose the goal you want to pursue.
Rigid type “should mindset”, more on your own subjective ideas, the lack of elasticity and objectivity.
There are indeed a lot of people, even if they don’t follow our preset rules to live, they will also live very well, we don’t like to see it, that is only our own problem.
Living in this world, no matter how close we are, we have no ability to ask others to live exactly as we think. And the power of this change, if using it in the wrong way, not only can not get the other side’s approval but will get harder and out of control.
Why not ask yourselves why you shouldn’t allow the existence of “shouldn’t”, what does this means? The answer you give, is it the right answer?
In addition, if you can understand, you can only use your own rules to regulate yourself, not try to correct others; Then we and the people around us will be more harmonious.